I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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