Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
