my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
