You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
