Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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