I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
