Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
