he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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