I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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