It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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