The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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