he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
