he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
