i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
