Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
