Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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