It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i drank out of a bidet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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