i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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