I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
