If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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