what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
