Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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