I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
