Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
