I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Four minutes until I can fart!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
