Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
