Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
