the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
