would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
