Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
