I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
