I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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