There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
