i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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