am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
