i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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