Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
