Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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