I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
