well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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