So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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