Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
