Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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