saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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