so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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