I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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