So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
