sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
