now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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