I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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