I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Operation Purity has been aborted
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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