Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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