apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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